Full Disclosure: To Have or Not Have
It’s hard to look backward with the person you want to move forward with.
It’s hard to look backward with the person you want to move forward with.
Full Disclosure is that point in a relationship when you realize maybe this is the person you’re going to stay with. Maybe not forever, but it’s the person you feel comfortable enough with where it warrants pulling back that curtain and taking a look into each others past.
In other words, full disclosure.
Now the key is to reveal as much as you feel comfortable — there is some truth to keeping some secrets. In order to have a successful full disclosure, setting some ground rules would be critical. Well, just one, no judgement. Whatever you choose to share won’t be held against you…and you won’t hold what you hear against them.
It’s the ultimate trust exercise for a relationship.
NOTE — It should be noted that the concept of full disclosure doesn’t discriminate against sexual preferences…or proclivities.
There are a couple of different approaches to full disclosure.
You can dedicate a night or two to share your stories.
- Full Disclosure can involve a lot of confusion, anger and hurt…and safe to say some tears. So setting aside enough time to deal with all of it is important. This kamikaze method isn’t for the faint of heart because it may involve you questioning many of your choices and their choices, both past and present.The other option is a little more of a big-picture — a long-term investment in the relationship.
- Over time, things slowly sort of trickle out. This can be a little more palatable because it’s not an avalanche of information. This method affords the luxury of time, which is the ultimate equalizer. The more time you spend with someone the more solid the foundation and the more distance you have to your past. With that base and time, any past transgression becomes infinitely less important.
Of course, the cynic would view that second option as a controlled and measured way of parsing out information. Only you can decide what’s best for you.
Full disclosure is tricky.
Long ago, at the dawn of the internet…well, the late 90’s anyway, the internet was a fraction of what it’s become. And like many technological advances in modern history, adult entertainment played a critical role. For some reason, it’s that industry that always seems to end up at the forefront.
In any event, back then three things identified the internet — e-mail, chat rooms and pornography.
I was at a wedding and one of the groomsmen was showing some weird porn on his computer.
So, there is this predilection referred to as “going zoo” — short for zoophilia. Yea, it’s a thing:
Zoophilia
Zoophilia is a paraphilia involving a sexual fixation on non-human animals. Bestiality is cross-species sexual activity…en.wikipedia.org
I watched a documentary called Zoo about men who have sex with horses. There is/was a culture of people who engage in this. Zoo tells the story of a group of men who met in Washington state to well, have sex with a horses. The documentary tells the story of one man who died after his colon was perforated from being penetrated by a horse. Uh, yep.
It takes a certain degree of curiosity about the human condition to watch a story like that. Most people aren’t that inquisitive — I am.
If you’re also that type of person, I would encourage you to watch it…it’s not nearly as awful as it sounds and oddly impactful. It’s tragic, for sure…and sad…but at the time and prior to this man’s death, Washington state was the ONLY state in America where sex with animals wasn’t a crime. After his untimely death, a law was passed making it illegal.
So, anyway, I’m at this wedding.
Now, I’m no prude with porn. I’ve seen a bunch, all kinds. Whatever. It can be fun, it can be odd. Suddenly I hear “Dude, you gotta see this.”
I walked over to the desk to see a woman fellating a horse…going “zoo” if you will.
Well, as it turns out I looked at the pivotal moment. It was just as the horse ejaculated…well, it was ejaculate or urine but either way it turns out, I did NOT need to see that. That image is burned into my brain…and I really wish it wasn’t.
Whether this woman was a “zoophile”, an actress or sex worker or just working her way through school, I can’t say.
But what if a few years later, she falls in love with someone and they decide to participate in full disclosure.
I think the exchange may go something like this:
ON THE NUMBER OF PARTNERS
MAN: OK, so…I dunno I guess I’ve been with about X girls.
WOMAN: Hmm, well, I never really thought about it. I guess I’ve slept with probably about X guys.
NOTE — Ladies, men exaggerate, divide by two. Men, women can underestimate, multiply by two…not a set rule, just a guideline.
ON EXPERIMENTING
MAN: Ahh. In college, I once had a threesome. (There is an awkward pause as she wonders if it was two guys and a girl or two girls and a guy.)
MAN (cont’d): Two girls and a guy.
WOMAN: Yea, me too. I had a couple…each way. (If you’re past a certain age, you will recall when this was actually taboo and not a rite of passage.)
MAN: Oh really?
WOMAN: Yea, there was a period of about a year where I was pretty reckless. I was fooling around with men and women. (Mild laughter) I even let an ex video tape me a couple of times.
MAN: Ohhh-kayyy.
ON THE STRANGEST THING
MAN: Well, I dunno…I fooled around with a guy once.
WOMAN: Oh yea? What did you do?
MAN: You know…
WOMAN: Um, I do not know.
MAN: We made out and…
WOMAN: You blew each other.
MAN: Yea. What about you?
WOMAN: I blew a horse once.
Full Disclosure is a tricky thing, so tread lightly.