I Survived the Satanic Panic - Thank God!

A Gen Xer's Tale of Music, Weed, and Led Zeppelin.

I was talking with a friend the other day about smoking weed as a teenager. I smoked a lot weed back then and said with some bravado: “I grew up in the Reagan era…”, I tilted my head, and lifted my eyebrows. Scoring weed in the 1980s must’ve been what scoring a fifth of whiskey was like during prohibition.

In the Midwest, where I grew up, to some folks of a certain age, I might as well have been mainlining speedballs, and worshipping Satan.

Subject to copyright

As you can probably guess, I was far from a casual music listener. I nerded out on that stuff. At sixteen, there was little better than getting high af and dropping the needle on any Led Zeppelin album (my choice was Presence). And after hundreds of hours, perhaps thousands, of listening to the band, never once did I feel persuaded to run into the woods, get naked, draw a pentagram, sacrifice an animal (better yet, a small child), and dance and cover my body in blood, and have an orgy - not necessarily in that order.

Well, maybe the orgy part - Hustler made orgies look sexy.

ANYWAY, some of you reading this may think the Satanic Panic wasn’t a thing. Let me tell you, it was a serious thing (see The West Memphis Three documentary trilogy for confirmation). It reached its fevered pitch around 1985. Well, it did for me. I forget the circumstances around the how this came up, but that was the year my English teacher allowed someone to bring in Led Zeppelin IV so we could play “Stairway To Heaven” backward to hear the bands satanic message.

Allegedly, phrases like “master Satan,” “serve me,” and “there’s no escaping it” are part of the song. In 1982, some televangelist dummy claimed that the “bustle in your hedgerow” section of the song says “Here’s to my sweet Satan” when played backward.

None of that is true. Obviously.

As I knew my teacher to be deeply religious (and one of two decent teachers that I had in high school) bringing this devil song into the classroom seemed a bit counter-intuitive. But I rolled with it. Besides, it was after lunch, and I was usually stoned… and it was Zeppelin.

Now how could he not be afraid that 30 sixteen-year-olds listening to this hedonistic song wouldn’t feel persuaded to run into the woods, get naked, draw a pentagram, sacrifice an animal (better yet, a small child), dance and cover our bodies in blood, and have an orgy?

As pious as he was, I bet it was the orgy part that unsettled him the most.

After listening to the song forwards, he went back and made a feeble attempt at trying to get us to hear "master Satan", "serve me", and "there's no escaping it." I heard a bunch or warbling nonsense. The only thing accomplished was that he made me a bigger Led Zeppelin fan (no small feat for a teenage boy) and with the clear absurdity of it all, he probably made a few converts.

Led Zeppelin wasn’t the only band in the crosshairs of these misguided zealots.

Some bands that suffered the wrath of these narrow minds included:

• Judas Priest - Faced lawsuits and accusations of subliminal messages promoting suicide. All cases were dismissed… obviously.

• Ozzy Osbourne - Criticized for his song "Suicide Solution," which some claimed encouraged suicide. A California court dismissed a lawsuit for the song in 1988. Who in their right mind would go against Sharon Osbourne?

• AC/DC - Accused of promoting Satanism with their album "Highway to Hell" - the serial killer Robert Rodriguez didn’t do the band any favors… but still quite silly.

• KISS - Criticized for their name, which some believed stood for "Knights in Satan's Service..” It doesn’t.

• Mötley Crüe - Known for their rebellious image and references to dark themes… ya know, like “Home Sweet Home.”

• Twisted Sister - Their music videos and stage presence were seen as controversial and provocative… but not cartoonish, fookin eejits.

All of those bands together, at that time would be akin to saying Taylor Swift is in league with the devil. Can you imagine the size of the Swiftie backlash if that happened?

For all the idiotic - and not so idiotic - shite we Gen X’ers had to suffer through, we are definitely “the second greatest generation.”

Why this reflection at this point? Welp, there have been three significant periods in American history often referred to as "Satanic Panics,” and we’re in one now:

1. The Colonial Period (Late 17th Century): The Salem Witch Trials (1692-1693) in Massachusetts are the most infamous example, where fear of witchcraft and Satanic influence led to numerous accusations, trials, and executions (read Arthur Miller’s The Crucible).

2. The 1980s and Early 1990s: This period saw widespread fear of Satanic ritual abuse, largely fueled by sensationalist media, dubious testimonies, and unfounded accusations (see above).

3. The 2020s: The rise of conspiracy theories like QAnon, often include elements of Satanic ritual abuse and claims of a global Satanic elite (aka Democrats), represents a modern iteration of Satanic Panic.

Not sayin, just sayin.