Let’s talk about sex.
Believe me, no one is more shocked about what’s below than I am.
Sex
Believe me, no one is more shocked about what’s below than I am.
If you know me, you know that I’m pretty private, and I’m very private about my personal life. But if you’ve ever seen the cartoon Popeye, then you know the point where he reaches his wit’s end and says:
“I’ve had all I can take. I can’t takes no more!”
That’s where I’m at with reading articles about sex here on the Medium. I’ve read so many now that my feed is beginning to look like Penthouse Forum.
A lot of the writing is fantastic, and I can neither confirm nor deny that I have tried a thing or two that I’ve read about (a story for another time, perhaps). The thing about many of these articles is the writers take their experiences and imply, at the very least, that their experiences can be helpful for everyone. My anecdotal research suggests that’s not the case.
Many, not all, of these writers, are relaying their opinions about what they’ve experienced. I feel it’s pretty ballsy to portray those as universally applicable. And that they will yield the same pleasurable results.
I suppose some of the writers may be academic or scientific researchers. But I doubt it. And if they are, I don’t think they’d choose Medium as their scientific journal of choice.
To be fair, all of them could loosely be called social researchers.
Asking for a friend here — does the fact that you’ve had a bunch of threesomes, orgies, same-sex experiences, and a series of tongues and various appendages (real, plastic, rubber, or metal) in your orifices qualify you to speak so authoritatively and universally?
Sex is such a personal thing, and while everyone may have their “thing,” what’s their “thing” may not be anyone else’s. Sure, there is some apparent universality. For example, if you’re heterosexual, the penis and the vagina work together.
In the spirit of simplicity, I’ma keep it simple here and just stick to heterosexuality. If I start going into the bevy of different labels and preferences, I’m going to end up in the weeds, confusing myself. Besides, heterosexuality is my thing, so I can speak to that a little easier.
As long as what you’re doing is consensual and you’re having fun, label yourself how you see fit. Every person is different, and every person’s wants, needs, and desires are different.
How can the author of “6 Tips For Making Her Squirt: Turn your lady into a human geyser” be so sure any of those tips will work? And no, I’m not linking to it.
I like the writer of that piece a lot. And while I’m awful at it (see above), I understand the importance of a catchy title and subtitle; however, a “human geyser” seems a bit of a stretch. Women ejaculating (aka squirting) is, at least as I understand it, not all that common.
And please, let’s just slide by the patriarchal supposition that female ejaculate is just urine.
What if a person, or couple, tries any, or all, of those 6 tips, and she doesn’t turn into a (ahem) “human geyser”? Or doesn’t ejaculate at all? My guess is that may be more than a little dispiriting. That feeling shouldn’t be part of sex.
Presuming your lady friend, wife, lover, or whatever IS a woman who ejaculates and you want to know what gets her off, I can narrow those 6 Tips down to 1— ASK HER!
The odds are VERY solid that she has explored all of that on her own, and she knows what she likes. There is no shame in asking and having a desire to please your partner.
I’ve had a fair amount of sex and still have a hard time asking. I’m still sorting shit out. Would you like to know why? Because every person is different.
Same writer: “8 Sexual Techniques Every Stud Knows: These moves will enhance her pleasure.” If you’re a man over a certain age, you know more than a few of them. Whether you still do them is a different story.
Here again, those are the ones that work for the author. They may or may not work for your lady friend, wife, or lover. And trust me, if you try “The Shocker” (and it is EXACTLY what you think it is) without consent, it won’t be pleasant. The butt zone may be loaded with nerve endings, but I wouldn’t advise probing there without a green light.
So allow me to narrow those 8 Techniques down to 2:
JUST ASK HER!
GET CONSENT!
Even in the throes of passion, I would argue that being thoughtful and considerate will go a lot further in enhancing her pleasure than performing oral sex at an angle (although I did mentally bookmark that one). This is particularly true while you are getting to know your partner.
Conversely, the author of “8 ‘Ultimate Fantasy’ Sexual Situations I’ve Been a Part Of: And whether or not they’re worth the hype.” is careful to explain that these are her experiences. She doesn’t say they are for everyone.
Sadly, I was a little bummed when she wrote — “I giggle to myself about how slutty and wonderful I am.”
Being sex-positive and exploring things isn’t slutty. Well, it’s not to me. As long as you’re safe and everything is consensual, there’s no harm. I’d say much, if not all, of what she describes would not be in my wheelhouse, but there is some innocuous stuff there.
I’m also not that woke. I’m not going to say it’s easy to accept someone’s penchant for multiple partners, and group sex. But the author is openly non-monogamous, and she’s not suggesting to try it, so, to each their own.
Of course, there are plenty of articles that aren’t as flippant, like: “Why Men Feel Undesirable: Feeling desired by men is important to them. So why aren’t they getting it?”
Usually, I’d be suspect of an article with that title written by a woman. But even though it was written by a woman, she loads her piece up with scientific data to support her.
But it doesn’t really require hard science. You want to know how to make a man feel desired? Desire him. Yea, it IS that easy.
Sure, as a man, I can say conclusively, we will piss you off and irritate you (and vice versa). And you may not always desire them, but when you do, show them, tell them, whatever, just let them know. There may be science involved, but desire itself is too nebulous and fluid to be scientific.
As far as women writing articles on how to handle a man’s penis, beware. That’d be like me writing an article on how to handle a woman’s clitoris. You want to know how your partner likes and wants to be touched? JUST ASK THEM!
I could write an article on how I like to have my cock sucked, but if a woman reads it and tries it on her man, he may go flaccid in a second. Regardless of what your sexual preference is, what worked for one person may not work for another.
Again, there shouldn’t be any shame, and absolutely no harm, in asking “Is this OK?” or something like that. Hell, you’re already in the throes of something potentially super awkward. Do what you can to bring more pleasure to it — by asking. And some people, like me, even enjoy asking and hearing the response …especially if it’s favorable. And I don’t get all pissy if it’s not.
The Pleasure Principle
Communication is tough enough outside of the boudoir. And with sex, it’s even harder (pun intended). And if you’re too shy or embarrassed to ask, the benefit of sex is that you can express yourself without saying anything. A moan, grunt, shift, or thrust will probably do the trick. Unless you’re fucking a neanderthal.
If there is a complication, or “static,” between two people, that can lead to disconnection and non-communication. In my opinion, the sworn enemy of pleasure is emotional complication.
Sex can be packed with so much extra …bullshit. But at its core, sex should be about pleasure. Both yours AND your partners. That being said, it doesn’t mean you or they are always going to have an orgasm.
Stop chasing the orgasm and just play in the pleasure of it all.
Now look, should sex always be about pleasure? Always is a big word. Some people do it for religious reasons, etc. I understand that.
But, for me, it is all about pleasure. And I’m guessing if you are reading this far, you’re probably thinking something similar. But if you’re just about making babies for whatever reason, have at it …just make sure your partner is on the same page.
Sex is so much more pleasurable and fun, with communication and connection. Yea, there can be love involved sometimes. But if you take all of the baggage that can be packed into sex and roll all of THAT up and into love? That’s going to be way too long and convoluted for a Medium article.
We’re all adults here, and there is only one absolute rule, whether you want to “turn your lady into a human geyser” or “enhance her pleasure” or participate in an orgy or whatever your thing, or things, are. The only rule that matters is consent.
And if the consent is faking non-consent, that’s fine. Just make sure you’re both (or however many are involved) are on the same page.
And how do you get consent?
You ask your partner.
And how do you find what gets your partner off?
You ask your partner.
You can, of course, decide not to ask what gets them off and spend time on some kind of Lewis & Clark expedition (taking a mental note on that one.)
For me? I like knowing what my partner wants and how I can do that (or if I can). And that comes from communication, and often, connection.
There is nothing sexier to me than seeing my partner smile, moan, and arch her back with pleasure. The fact that she’s chosen to share her body and that particular moment with me is nothing short of spectacular!
My point in all of this is the following — no one person can tell you what is right for you. What MAY work for one writer may NOT work for their reader(s).
All sex articles on Medium, and I’m including this one, should be taken with a grain of salt.
My fear is that people may read some of those articles and, because they’re often presented as definitive, think they can be applied with the same results to themselves. And if that doesn’t occur, will they feel “less than?”
Consensual sex, regardless of orifice, avenue, appendage, or number of people involved, should never leave you feeling “less than.”
Do I suspect my Medium feed will change? Not after this article. Besides, I’m still going to read these articles. I like the writers and their writing …most of the time.
Do I wish they’d make an effort to explain more that these are their experiences and may not apply to everyone? Yes. Whatever they are espousing may have opened their vaginal floodgates, but those techniques might not work for the people reading the article. They might. They might not. And if they don’t, that’s OK too.
If you’re with the right person and you’re both willing to try, be safe and have at it.
Drop me a note and let me know if any of those “human geyser” techniques work.