Super Shi##y Songs
A Playlist for the Strong Stomached
Music
A Playlist for the Strong Stomached
When we talk about shitty music, there are two solid truths. One, crap music has been around since the inception of music. And two, it’s wildly subjective.
Some songs are “bad” but can be liked ironically. For me, “The Devil Went Down to Georgia” is awful, but I still like it. Because there is real existential angst in determining who plays better — Johnny or the Devil. For me, the Devil has the groove — it’s a no-brainer, but I understand others feel differently. Discuss.
“Who Let the Dogs Out,” by the Baha Men. Unquestionably a horrid song, but it’s fun at any party. Just play it and watch.
Once again, this is hardly meant to be a definitive list. But objectively speaking, there can be no definitive list of Super Shitty Songs for two reasons. One, the list keeps growing, and compiling it would be a Sisyphean task. And two, just to reiterate, it’s wildly subjective.
Now you may think slapping together 90 minutes of horrible songs would be easy. I assure you, it’s not.
The qualifier to make the list is whether I have a visceral reaction when I hear the song. That reaction is usually anger.
I’m sure I have forgotten a slew of songs, so let me know.
Proceed at your own peril.
SIDE ONE
“We Built This City” — Starship
I have always hated this song. It’s just awful. To think this a band that is a direct descendent of the band that sang “White Rabbit” is jaw-dropping.
This POS song can be found on the album Knee Deep in the Hoopla, which unintentionally explains the bands' career status.
I’m not even going to quote lyrics here.
“Kiss You All Over” — Exile
Exile began as The Fascinations in 1963(!) in Kentucky, and by 1973, the band had morphed into Exile, a soft rock/rock band.
Working with producer Mike Chapman (Blondie), who is also responsible for writing this slice of unimaginative tripe, Exile scored a massive hit. Which inexplicably led to tours with Fleetwood Mac, Heart, and Aerosmith(although in fairness, it could work as a companion piece to either “Dude (Looks Like A Lady” or “Lord of the Thighs).
“Show me, show me everything you do
’Cause baby no one does it quite like you
I love you, need you, oh babe
I wanna kiss you all over
And over again
I wanna kiss you all over
Till the night closes in
Till the night closes in”
“My Mammy” — Al Jolson
I don’t think any explanation is needed on this one.
“All I Wanna Do Is Make Love” — Heart
There is SO much wrong with this song; it’s almost a fool’s errand to attempt to document it. The only thing NOT wrong with it is that there is absolutely no misinterpreting this song.
Released in 1990 on Heart’s album Brigade, it was first recorded by singer Dobie Gray (“Drift Away”) in 1979, albeit with different lyrics.
THIS version, penned by Robert John “Mutt” Lange, is sung by Anne Wilson, who, along with her sister, Nancy, front the band Heart. I don’t think this song can be confused as an “up with women” self-empowerment song.
Certainly, that’s my judgment, sure, but I don’t think picking up some ne’er do well hitchhiker to smash in order to become pregnant is empowering. From my point of view, it’s sketchy AF, and while I know VERY little about pregnancy, it seems like it would take incredible coordination. And how did she know he wasn’t impotent (like her man) or had a vasectomy? ANYWAY, there are two key things to point out here:
It’s egregiously reckless. In 1990, AIDS was at its peak, and safe sex was just short of a public mandate. So for a high-profile band to send this kind of message seems a little careless, even for a rock band.
The song paints a HORRIBLE picture of women. The lyrics relay the story of a woman who sets out to seduce a hitchhiker to become pregnant because although there is a man in her life, he is infertile. I mean, who does this?! (I’m sure more people than I would care to know).
Not for nothing, but IVF may have been in its infancy (sorry), but it was around, as was adoption! And those are a helluva lot safer than seducing some shady hitchhiker and taking him to the Bates No-Tell Motel for an unprotected romp.
I could write a Ph.D. thesis on all that is wrong with this song.
“And in the morning when he woke, all I left him was a note
I told him, I am the flower you are the seed
We walked in the garden we planted a tree
Don’t try to find me, please don’t you dare
Just live in my memory, you’ll always be there”
“Illegal Alien” — Genesis
This was the ’80s, Reagan era and all …but still. How did this make it on an album?
The song’s lyrics, written by the band and sung by Phil Collins (at times with an offensive accent), are supposed to be a satire about an undocumented immigrant's frustrations as they enter the United States …written by an English band.
And if I remember correctly, in the video, they even use “brownface,” — but I am not about to double-check it. Not for political reasons; I really hate this song. Even writing about it turns my stomach.
Seriously, this is not as bad as “My Mammy,” …but it's close.
“I got a cousin and she got a friend,
Who thought that her aunt knew a man who could help
At his apartment, I knocked on the door,
He wouldn’t come out until he got paid.
Now don’t tell anybody what I wanna do
If they find out you know that they’ll never let me through.
It’s no fun being an illegal alien”
“Party All the Time” — Eddie Murphy
Who in their right mind gave Eddie Murphy the kind of career advice that said: “Hey man, you are on your way to the TOP! Let’s get you in a recording studio to record a song with a spiraling crack-addled funkster!”
Fortunately, Eddie Murphy is so talented as a comedian and actor that this song is just a minor blip. Still noticeable but minor.
“My girl wants to party all the time
Party all the time
Party all the time
My girl wants to party all the time
Party all the time
She parties all the time”
“C’Mon N’ Ride It (The Train)” — Quad City DJ’s
I may hate the song because I could never make the high-pitched “Woot woot” sound — I still can’t …but then that can’t be entirely true because this song truly sucks.
Released in 1996, it was insufferably ubiquitous. The song was even ranked the number-one song of 1996 by Village Voice magazine. File that under WTF. I can’t imagine “America’s Rock Critic” Robert Christgau liking that, but the man’s tastes absolutely confound me.
There is nothing left to the imagination with this song.
SPOILER ALERT
In case you can’t piece it together, it’s about sex. “C’Mon Ride It (The Train)” is like a more pop-friendly version of anything by fellow Floridians 2 Live Crew.
“Way deep down south, where we play this game
It’s them Quad City DJs and you, we call it the train
So if you wanna ride your thing
Just come on down the train
We gonna rock, ooh, Lord, just jump aboard, baby
So get your next of kin, your sister, and your friend
Pack it up now
Choo, choo, ride on this, choo, choo
And, boo, you need to stop faking, and come on with me”
“Axel F” — Crazy Frog
So, this happened in 2005.
I think the music world was initially flummoxed as to how the German band Resource secured the rights to Harold Faltermeyer’s international hit, “Axel F” from Eddie Murphy’s Beverly Hills Cop franchise. But then Resource and Flatermeyer are German.
I think Germany might be like the EU’s version of Florida, just smarter and more successful …and with a strange predilection for poop. Seriously, Michael Lewis (Mr. Tabitha Soren to the MTV generation) wrote about it.
“Axel F” ”didn’t crack the Top 40 in the US, but ALL OVER Europe, it was a #1 hit …except its native Germany, where it peaked at #3. Maybe it was the lack of poop references?
“Ring ding ding ding ding ding
Ring ding ding ding bem bem bem
Ring ding ding ding ding ding
This is the Crazy Frog
Breakdown!”
“Shiny Happy People” — R.E.M.
Unlike other longtime R.E.M. fans, I didn’t poo-poo them when they signed a mega-deal with Warner Brothers Records. I was happy for them. However, I was not shiny.
[Fun Fact: This song was the theme song to the pilot episode of Friends before being replaced by the only marginally less awful “I’ll Be There For You” by The Rembrandts’. ]
Even R.E.M. didn’t like the song. They’ve only performed it live once, on Saturday Night Live in 1991. And despite being a global Top 10 hit, “Shiny Happy People” didn’t make an appearance on any of their greatest hits albums until 2016.
“Meet me in the crowd, people, people
Throw your love around, love me, love me
Take it into town, happy, happy
Put it in the ground where the flowers grow
Gold and silver shine
Shiny happy people holding hands
Shiny happy people holding hands
Shiny happy people laughing”
“If You Leave Me Now” — Chicago
Chicago can be a polarizing band. I think that stems from the band’s association with their schmaltzy David Foster hits of the 1980s. But “If You Leave Me Now,” off of Chicago X, shows that the damn was cracking in 1976.
The song was a musical departure from the band’s progressive rock origins. Lyrically, they’ve always leaned a little towards sap. BUT they just had some serious musical chops to forgive it. As evidence, listen to “Make Me Smile” off Chicago II.
Jimi Hendrix is quoted as saying: “I wish I could play guitar as well as that guy” about Chicago lead guitarist Terry Kath.
It’s worth noting Kath did not play on “If You Leave Me Now,” but he did play and sing on the band's first top-ten song, the aforementioned “Make Me Smile.”
This slice of saccharine schmaltz, written by bassist Peter Cetera, would be a top-five hit worldwide and win the band two Grammy Awards for Best Arrangement and Best Performance by Duo or Group.
Besides being a huge hit for the band, “If You Leave Me Now” is a harbinger of what the band would vomit into the world in the 1980s.
“If you leave me now
You’ll take away the biggest part of me
Ooh-ooh, no, baby please don’t go
And if you leave me now
You’ll take away the very heart of me
Ooh-ooh, no, baby please don’t go
Ooh-ooh, girl, I just want you to stay”
SIDE TWO
“Breaking Into Heaven” — The Stone Roses
I was hanging out with a friend the other night, and since we’re both Counting Crows fans, I commented on how guitar player Charlie Gillingham was once a guitar student of Joe Satriani’s.
She let my comment rest for a minute or so and then asked: “Is that it?”
In defense of my inane useless facts, I replied: “Look, they can’t all be gold.”
We were laughing.
And no, they can not all be gold. To wit:
After years of legal wrangling, The Stone Roses finally released their sophomore album, Second Coming, in 1994, five years after their self-titled debut.
In those five years, the brothers Gallagher and Oasis filled the void The Stone Roses left. A shame, really, because The Stone Roses are the better band, IMHO. Anyway, this almost 11:30 opus is the first song on Second Coming, and in all honesty, I have only heard this song once. So maybe it’s unfair to include it here.
But at 11:30, I can only presume it isn’t terrific. I just have no idea why they would choose to open an album with a song this long.
While The Stone Roses remain one of my favorite bands, this song is a stinker.
And speaking of bad album openers:
“And the Cradle Will Rock” — Van Halen
I am a HUGE Van Halen fan, but this song? Never. Even by DLR-era lyrical standards, this song is remarkably dumb.
And I have heard it enough now to state emphatically, this song sucks.
Off their third album, Women and Children First, it’s the simple yet classic story of the recalcitrant youth who upsets his parents with his love of rock and roll. Think James Dean from Rebel Without A Cause with leather pants, big hair, and a banshee-like shriek.
Of course, I will admit, “Have you seen juniors grades” has a little punchy humor to it, but it’s not enough.
The song is three verses (one repeats, so technically, two verses), a chorus, and a fade-out. This song is about as lyrically challenging as reading a fortune cookie.
“Well, they say it’s kinda frightenin’
How this younger generation swings
You know it’s more than just some new sensation
Well, the kid is into losin’ sleep
And he don’t come home for half the week
You know it’s more than just an aggravation”
“Gangnam Style” — Psy
I can’t even with this 2012 international smash …but loads of other people certainly could:
It was a #1 hit in Australia, Canada, France, Germany, Italy, Russia, Spain, the United Kingdom, and peaked at #2 in the United States.
It was the first YouTube video to reach 1 billion views and is now at 4 billion.
Then British Prime Minister David Cameron and United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon hailed it as a force for world peace — that’s worked out well.
So, what’s it about?
Do we even care? Probably not, but apparently, the song “refers to a lifestyle associated with the Gangnam District of Seoul, where people are trendy, hip, and exude a certain supposed ‘class.’”
If it was nothing else, a precursor to the K-Pop phenom we’re experiencing.
“Gangnam Style” certainly doesn’t aim for any gender equality or neutrality either …but then few pop songs do:
“Eh- Sexy Lady, Oppa is Gangnam style
Eh- Sexy Lady oh oh oh oh
A girl who looks quiet but plays when she plays
A girl who puts her hair down when the right time comes
A girl who covers herself but is more sexy than a girl who bares it all
A sensible girl like that
I’m a guy
A guy who seems calm but plays when he plays
A guy who goes completely crazy when the right time comes
A guy who has bulging ideas rather than muscles
That kind of guy”
**Lyrics translated
“Achy Breaky Heart” — Billy Ray Cyrus
Obviously.
“Auqualung” — Jethro Tull
Rock critic Bruce Elder wrote that the album and the title track has “dour musings on faith and religion,” making it, at least for him, “one of the most cerebral albums ever to reach millions of rock listeners.”
I couldn’t disagree more.
Simultaneously, the song's author and Jethro Tull singer Ian Anderson said: “It’s quite a tortured tangle of chords …”
On this, Mr. Anderson and I agree. However, I would add lyrics and vocals to his statement.
[Fun Fact: Ian Anderson is the father-in-law of the former The Walking Dead head honcho, actor Andrew Lincoln (Rick).]
Lyrically, the song is about a creepy homeless man named Aqualung, who seems to evoke a sense of hopelessness and disgust. However, he’s doomed because not a single person in the world would help him.
Don’t feel guilty reading that.
As doomed as Aqualung is, he may also be a murderer or pedophile:
“Sitting on a park bench
Eyeing little girls with bad intent
Snot’s running down his nose
Greasy fingers smearing shabby clothes
Hey, Aqualung
Drying in the cold sun
Watching as the frilly panties run
Hey, Aqualung”
“Informer” — Snow
Somehow this 1992 song spent seven weeks at #1 in the United States. Even worse, it’s on an album titled 12 Inches of Snow.
This song is just awful, and somehow Snow has built a long and solid career. He never scored another hit like this in the US, but internationally he has maintained a solid fan base (weirdly, comedian Drew Carey is one of them).
Although, I’m not sure how with lyrics like these:
“Informer, ya’ no say daddy me Snow me I go blame
A licky boom boom down
‘Tective man a say, say daddy me Snow me stab someone down the lane
A licky boom boom down
Informer, ya’ no say daddy me Snow me I go blame
A licky boom boom down
‘Tective man a say, say daddy me Snow me stab someone down the lane
A licky boom boom down”
Huh?
“Angel” — Aerosmith
Hard to imagine that this is the same band that brought us “Lord of the Thighs.”
This highwater mark POS can be found on Aerosmith’s “comeback” album Permanent Vacation. Although, to quote LL Cool J, “Don’t call it a comeback.” The band never went anywhere; they just fractured as a result of drug and alcohol abuse. Permanent Vacation was their second album for Geffen Records after the dud Done With Mirrors.
Permanent Vacation was a massive hit. The unfortunate byproduct of this resurgence was the world being exposed to a sober Steven Tyler …infinitely worse than a drug-addled Steven Tyler.
Because Done With Mirrors fell flat, the powers that be enlisted the help of white-hot pop-metal songwriter Desmond Child (along with Jim Vallance and Holly Knight). “Angel” is credited to Tyler and Child, and I would bet dollars to donuts that Child wrote most of this song. It’s sappy AF, until this part:
“Don’t know what I’m gonna do ‘bout this feeling inside
Yes it’s true, loneliness took me for a ride, yeah, yeah
Without your love I’m nothing but a beggar
Without your love a dog without a bone
What can I do? I’m sleepin’ in this bed alone”
Still sappy but “dog without a bone” …that has Tyler’s imprint all over it. He’s got the lyrical subtlety of anvil landing on your head.
“Muskrat Love” — The Captain and Tennille
This POS is the “We Built This City” of the 1970s. It’s always on a “worst of” list.
The song sticks to the “rules of three,” it would take three separate versions before “Muskrat Love” found success. It makes me wish that they’d stopped at two.
The song, written by Willis Alan Ramsey, can be found on his 1972 album, Willis Alan Ramsey.
In 1973, “Horse With No Name” America retitled it “Muskrat Love” and got the song into Billboard’s Top 100, peaking at #67.
In 1976, the song hit paydirt when Captain and Tennille recorded it, and the song clawed its way up to a peak position of #4 on Billboard’s Top 40.
Now, of course, there has been much speculation about what the song is about, and I won’t bother with the more salacious interpretations. But the textbook definition is that the song is about two anthropomorphic muskrats named Susie and Sam.
There was indeed a fair amount of chemical experimentation in the 70s.
“Nibbling on bacon, chewing on cheese
Sam says to Suzie, Honey, would you please be my Mrs.
Suzie says yes with her kisses
Now he’s tickling her fancy, rubbing her toes
Muzzle to muzzle, now, anything goes as they wriggle,
Sue starts to giggle”
And speaking of America …
“You Can Do Magic” — America
You can, yes.
This song, not so much.
Of course, the list could’ve included:
The entire “nu-metal,” “rap metal,” or “Norwegian death metal” genres.
Almost anything by the Red Hot Chili Peppers (RELAX, I said almost).
The 1978 Bee Gees re-make of Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band (the 1970s were flush with hubris …and lots and lots of cocaine).
The entire catalog of Frank Stallone (bet you forgot about him, here’s a reminder …you’re welcome).
Almost anything by The Doors (RELAX, I said almost).
But here again, be it happy or sad, good or bad, all of this is subjective.
With that being said, I’m open to a digital discourse to anyone who can change my mind about “We Built This City.”
SUPER SHITTY SONGS PLAYLIST (proceed with caution)