That’s it — I’m Completely Over Dating Apps.
I’ve tried them and you know what? If I have to be single for the rest of my life then I’m fine with that.
I’ve tried them and you know what? If I have to be single for the rest of my life, I’m fine with that.
I’ve been single for a while now.
As an introvert, I like being alone anyway so it’s not that big of a deal. But we humans are wired to connect with people. Not necessarily “connect” but at the very least interact with them.
Because I work from home, am single, and in a town where I don’t know anyone, my interactions, shall we say, are limited.
Now that’s not a “poor me” statement. I am, seriously, okay with it. I recognize I have to interact, so I make a point of doing so.
But dating? I’m done with it…again.
Throughout my life, I seem to have long periods of celibacy. The longest being just over two years.
To be clear, these are not “droughts” as some people call them. I aggressively do not date, so they’re self-imposed. The celibate part is my doing. Sometimes the break-ups…not so much.
The last serious length of celibacy was the early aughts. A long relationship had ended and I had some guilt about that so I decided to get my head in order before I dove into the deep end again. After moving back to New York City and getting acclimated with a job and all that adult stuff, I decided it was time.
But, you see, dating has never been my strength. Well, the dating is fine, finding the dates is where I tend to fall short. I’m not a Mac Daddy (or Daddy Mac for that matter) so I have no game. Which I consider more of an attribute than a shortcoming.
I had bartended so I know the inane environment of picking up someone at a bar. That was out. Meeting people at work was an option, but I was still pretty new. Online dating was in its infancy. So …
I seem to recall Match.com wanting money, so I passed on that one. Back then the only other option (that I recall) was eHarmony. One Saturday night in 2004 I holed up and decided to take their questionnaire. Turns out that the questionnaire was longer than I remember any of my college exams like the SAT or ACT. In any event, a few hours later I was ready to see my results.
I hit “see results” or whatever it was called and eHarmony went to work finding me a date. The result?
I got zero matches. Zero. Fucking. Matches.
In a city of eight million people, there was not ONE person in all five boroughs who matched with me.
To say I was a little bummed would be an understatement. Of course, I understand not all eight million people were on eHarmony.
Eventually, I struck up a relationship, with a woman … who had a boyfriend that was away for the summer. A story for another time. After that ended, poorly, I dated again.
And I dated some great women. Unfortunately, for various reasons, nothing ever really panned out.
After the end of my last “real” relationship and the proverbial sabbatical from dating, I decided to wade back in around late 2017. I tried Tinder, for a hot second. “Talked” to a few women, went on one date. To Ikea.
I crossed Tinder off the list.
A few months later, I tried Bumble, thinking I might have better luck if the woman reaches out to me. That yielded two dates. From that, I went to the sporadic dinner with one of the women over a few months. But nothing ever came of it.
“You can’t start a fire without a spark” — very true
- Bruce Springsteen
Once again, I packed it in. And then about a month ago, I waded back into the fray. I re-visited Bumble and took a stab at OK Cupid. From Bumble, I had one lunch date and then a myriad of texts before I was ghosted.
From OK Cupid I had drinks with one woman.
See previous Springsteen comment above.
In all of the apps, I had plenty of “conversations” with women. But then when “the ask” came for a coffee, drink or lunch, POOF! they’d be gone.
Look, it’s not like I have a high opinion of myself, but I think I’m okay looking and modestly charming. I’d also like to think I’m pretty strong on that “sense of humor” thing women seem to crave. Suffice it to say, I just kept swiping, mostly left, occasionally right.
Oh, and those “conversations” on the app…could they be any worse? Because I work from home one woman said: “Oh, so you’re unemployed.” It may have been sarcasm, but still rather rude to say to someone you had just met … over text.
Oddly, during these “conversations” more than one woman thanked me for not sending them a dick pic. The first time someone thanked me, I was gobsmacked. I asked if that happened. Her reply? “You don’t even want to know how often.”
A dick pic? Jaysus! WTF is that all about? Fellas, really?!
I’m not a prude, but not sure I’d send that to someone I knew well. I wouldn’t take a snap of my junk and send it to someone I just swiped right on. Ew dude.
Listen, while we’re on sarcasm, what is up with everyone woman proclaiming to be an expert in sarcasm and “loving” it? I suspect they think of sarcasm like the witty banter of Chandler Bing from Friends. Chandler Bing was a character created by writers, given dialog by writers.
I’m of Irish descent and grew up in a house full of sarcasm, so I am very fluent. Sarcasm can often be mean, biting, and hiding something more sinister. So, are these women who “love sarcasm” really looking for biting and mean spirited conversations with lovers?
It can be playful, but you gotta be able to “read the room” and, to be frank, most people don’t know how to do that … and then feelings get hurt. And that sucks.
And pictures. Ladies, your pictures. Look, I’m no model but I was particular about the pictures I used. I’m not sayin’, I’m just sayin’ … maybe a little better curation is needed? Or have a friend look them over.
I thought I’d run across Elon Musk and Liam Gallagher here:
Oh and the labels.
I just figured it went like this — you liked guys, you liked girls or you liked both. Not anymore, there are loads of varietals:
Heteroflexibility — a form of sexual orientation or situational sexual behavior characterized by minimal homosexual activity in an otherwise primarily heterosexual orientation.
— Yea. you’re bi-sexual. Not sure why the SAT word is warranted.
Sapiosexual — finding intelligence sexually attractive or arousing.
— I’m on board with this one.
Genderqueer — describing one’s gender that does not include the current definitions of “man” or “woman.” They may identify and express themselves as “feminine men” or “masculine women” or as androgynous, or outside of the categories “boy/man” and “girl/woman.” Not all genderqueer people are trans.
— Um, okay.
Omnisexual — attracted to people from across the gender spectrum. Omnisexual people recognize potential partner’s genders, are attracted to all genders, and make decisions about partners based on their gender.
— Huh? If you’re making a decision based on gender, wouldn’t that simply make you straight, gay, or bi?
Pansexual — attracted to people from across the gender spectrum. Similar to omnisexual. Pansexual people recognize all genders but do not consider gender when choosing a partner.
— Okay, this one I kinda get but, uh, exactly how large is that gender spectrum? Are there genders I’m unaware of?
Transgender — I understand this one. Pretty sure we all do.
And forget about trying to explain all this “cis” stuff to me. Seriously — don’t try.
Now don’t get all knotted up, I don’t mean any disrespect to anyone questioning their sexual or gender identity. That’s a good thing.
Explore yourself, your body, your mind, and your life. You have one life, live it well, and the way you want to … just don’t hurt anyone. But, let’s be honest, it’s a pretty limited menu.
I’ma go ahead and guess that no matter where you land on whatever spectrum you’re on … you’re gonna like men, women or both … or none (that’d be asexual, in case you’re keeping score). Right?
I’m sure I sound like some old codger, but I’m not that old. Codgerly? Eh, maybe. GET OFF MY LAWN!
So of all the hundreds of women I have interacted with over the years on the various dreadful platforms, this is what it’s yielded:
Two lunches with two women
One woman I dated
One date to Ikea
Four or Five dinners with one woman
Two drinks with one woman
One passionate kiss
It’s not about sex either. It’s not. I’ve had loads of sex. All kinds. So, no, it’s not…well, it’s not all about that.
If I tried, I suspect I could get laid. However, my days of smashin’ for the sake of smashin’ are behind me. Time is a valuable resource and I’m selective who I want to give that to … even if it’s only a couple of minutes.
Do I hate electronic dating or dating apps? No. I know a couple of people who have met their partners on them. That’s great. But, for me, it has the aroma of desperation. BUT, I willingly admit that could be my baggage.
It certainly doesn’t help that I’ve also reached the nadir of my tolerance for bullshit and games. Surprisingly, regardless of age, there is still a lot of that nonsense going on.
At the end of the day, do whatever you want with whomever you want. As long as the two (or more) parties are of age, agree and are into it, who am I to judge? Carry on!
But for me? For now? I’ve fucking had it.