The Last Goodbye
Last Sunday night the the ex and I had dinner to sort out the wreckage that was our breakup.
Last Sunday night the the ex and I had dinner to sort out the wreckage that was our breakup.
I can’t tell you it went well.
I can’t tell you it went poorly.
I can tell you that I spent time with a woman I love very much.
I can tell you I had to let go of someone I didn’t want to let go of.
She seemed so conflicted, but then maybe I am misreading her. Maybe it’s only with me she appears so conflicted.
Or maybe it’s just my own ego or my fantasy.
While I may disagree with her decision to terminate the relationship, I accept it. I’ve made some poor decisions in my life (is that my ego?). I’ve paid a high price for them too. But, over time, you learn to forgive yourself. You have to.
It’s about forgiveness.
Mistakes we’ve made them.
Just ask Mick Jagger and David Bowie. Have you ever seen the video or heard their 1985 cover of “Dancin’ In The Street”? I won’t taint this post with a link to it. Yes, it’s that bad. It may have been for a good cause (Live Aid), but I have to imagine even Ethiopian’s said “Oh my, what is this?”. It is easily, one of the worst musical decisions either artist has ever made. But their careers didn’t suffer. Why?
It’s about forgiveness.
So while I may not like what the ex is doing, I get it. I’ve driven this bus a couple of times before. Driving it is very different than being the passanger. While I have the advantage of time to look back and realize the mistakes, I wanted her to avoid making the same mistakes I made. Not only is that selfish but wildly arrogant. One has to walk their own path. And this is hers.
Only time will prove this to be a good decision or a bad one.
Only time can allow the distance necessary for perspective . . . and forgiveness.
At this last supper it finally dawned on me, and I finally agreed with her. We’re not right for one another.
Not because we don’t love one another. There is love.
Not because we don’t want to be with each other. We do.
We’re not right for one another because some of our superficial values are diametrically opposed. Which probably speaks volumes about what we each prioritize in a relationship.
Where I am an intensely private person who prefers solitude, the ex is a social animal who feeds off that energy.
She loves it.
I don’t.
It’s the old introvert and extrovert conundrum. History is littered with introverts and extroverts that couldn’t make it work.
It’s also littered with those that could.
Of course there were other differences that come with any relationship, especially those with a 13 year chasm. But for all the shallow things we differed on, the larger concerns like child rearing, politics, money, etc. we on the same page. I thought those were the ones that mattered?
On the time-line of a life together, I may feel these superficial differences are minuscule. To her they were monolithic. Where I may feel it’s about accepting and embracing those differences, pushing through and trusting in each other enough to believe in the bigger picture. To her that bigger picture is beyond her purview.
Everyone has a graveyard of bad decisions. Sadly, with age that graveyard grows.
I can’t tell you how it ended up.
I can’t tell you who cried.
I can’t tell you where I woke up.
I can’t tell you if we were alone or together.
I can’t tell you how much I will always love her.
I can tell you that 20 years from now, neither of us will remember the reasons why we’re not together.
I can tell you that we’ll only know that we’re not together.
Time will heal the wounds.
Eventually.
Well, not all wounds . . . I still can’t listen to that Jagger/Bowie cover of “Dancin’ in the Street”.