Dating
Episode 7: The Origin Story ->Today
THE ORIGIN STORY
Throughout my adult life, I had always had periods of celibacy. To be clear, these were not “droughts,” as some people call them. Most of the time, I made a conscious decision not to date, so these periods of time would fall under the umbrella (‘ella ‘ella ‘ella) of self-imposed.
I’d been single for about two years when I moved back to New York City. And after getting settled and acclimated with a job, I decided two years was a long enough period to be in exile.
Time to get back on the horse …such as it was.
Online dating was in its relative infancy in 2004, so I thought I would give it a go. Match.com wanted money to register and use their service, so I passed. I’m sure there were others, but the only other option I recall was eHarmony.
One Saturday night early in 2004, I holed up in my tiny bedroom and decided to take the eHarmony questionnaire. I suspect I could’ve read Don Quiotxe in less time.
As I recall now, I spent the better part of four hours filling the exam out. I took one final smoke break before I was ready to see my results. I expected the results to show me dozens of sexy hot NYC women who would be a match for me.
I began thinking about different places to go, what to do, and yes, getting laid again — I was excited. I walked back into my room, sat at my desk, and smashed the “see results” key.
Barely containing myself, I watched my little Dell Inspiron working in tandem with the eHarmony algorithm overlords to find me the perfect match — and then it appeared! The result?
Zero. Zilch.
I got no matches.
Not one.
In a city of eight million people, I yielded not ONE person in all five boroughs who matched with me.
Of course, I understand not all eight million people were on eHarmony. But not even ONE?!
If ever I needed a disappointing tuba sound in my life, this was it.
Over the ensuing years, I would date women here and there. I had a couple of relationships. And when my last relationship died, I went into a dating stasis again for about a year.
MOST RECENTLY
In late 2018, I decided to give the dating world another go. I was pretty sure the digital dating world had devolved into some vacuous hellscape. I wasn’t too far off.
I tried Tinder for a hot second. “Talked” to a few women, went on one date.
To Ikea.
I crossed Tinder off the list.
As anyone who has used these apps knows, conversations disappear almost as quickly as they begin. For me, it always seemed to happen shortly after “the ask.” You know, the moment you ask someone out for coffee, drink, or lunch. POOF! They’d disappear.
Look, it’s not like I have a high opinion of myself, but I would like to think I’m at least modestly charming.
One woman, and this was all on the app, asked what I did:
I work for a software company from home.
— Oh, so you’re unemployed.No, I work from home.
— Right, unemployed. (laughter)What do you do? (texted a bit defensively)
— I’m the General Manager at J. Crew.So you work in retail?
— Yes.Cool, I worked in retail when I was a kid.
I did say modestly charming. It goes without saying that was the last time I chatted with her.
A few months later, I tried Bumble, thinking I might have better luck if the woman reaches out to me. Sadly, anyone I met was there didn’t do much for me.
“You can’t start a fire without a spark”
- Bruce Springsteen
Now I hate to be the “get off my lawn” guy—but I am about to be.
During that time, I discovered all the labels and pronouns. I mean, I get it, to some extent. But no matter how you identify, or whatever your journey is, it’s still a rather limited menu — cock, pussy, or both. I’m a terribly simple man and view it this way:
You like guys
OR
You like girls
OR
You like both
However, what I learned was there are a lot more varietals, or at least definitions, which provide a bit more technicolor:
Heteroflexibility — sexual orientation or situational sexual behavior characterized by minimal same-sex activity in an otherwise primarily heterosexual orientation.
— Yea. You’re bi-sexual. What am I missing? Not sure why the ten-dollar word is warranted.
Sapiosexual — finding intelligence sexually attractive or arousing.
— I’m on board with this one.
Genderqueer — describing one’s gender that does not include the current definitions of “man” or “woman.” They may identify and express themselves as “feminine men” or “masculine women” or as androgynous, or outside of the categories “boy/man” and “girl/woman.” Not all genderqueer people are trans.
— That’s much clearer.
Omnisexual — attracted to people from across the gender spectrum. Omnisexual people recognize potential partner’s genders, are attracted to all genders, and make decisions about partners based on their gender.
— Huh? Wouldn’t gender based decisions make you straight, gay, or bi?
Pansexual — attracted to people from across the gender spectrum. Similar to omnisexual. Pansexual people recognize all genders but do not consider gender when choosing a partner.
— Ok, this one I kind of get, but, uh, exactly how large is that gender spectrum? What are the other genders? — Asking for a friend.
Transgender — I understand this one.
Ok, I’ll concede, it’s one of these:
You like guys
You like girls
You like both
OR
You’re more sexually fluid.
And forget about trying to explain all this “cis” stuff to me.
Seriously — don’t try.
Now don’t get all knotted up. I don’t mean any disrespect to anyone questioning their sexuality or their gender identity. Self-exploration is good thing; explore yourself, your body, your mind, and your life. You have one life, have fun, and have fun the way you want to … just don’t hurt anyone.
What I also learned, or rather, what was reinforced in my most recent escapade into the wretched world of dating apps:
Some of these women need to check which pictures they’re using for their profiles. If your splash photo makes you look like Oscar the Grouch or a character from a Wim Wenders movie, maybe choose a better one? SWIPE LEFT
Your kids “are the best thing in my life,” and “my number one priority,” and “Don’t even THINK of coming between that” (actual quote).
GOOD! Bully for you! They should be your number one priority! I don’t think any man of value would consider interfering with that. SWIPE LEFTOn that note, if you’re 45 and thinking that you “may still want kids,” — that seems a little dangerous to me. I used to like to scroll through women who had that noted until I find the one picture where they’re showing their “crazy eyes.” Oh yea, invariably, there is a photo like that. SWIPE LEFT
And what’s with the sarcasm? I’ve always been dubious of these women who “love sarcasm.” I think they love the witty scripted sarcasm found in characters like Chandler Bing on Friends.
[Fun Fact: There is no laugh track in life. Perhaps there should be …but there isn’t.]
I grew up in a house full of sarcasm, so I’m fluent. Sarcasm can often be mean-spirited, biting, and, arguably, passive-aggressive behavior. So, are these women who “love sarcasm” looking for Chandler Bing? Or are they looking for mean-spirited, biting, and passive-aggressive conversations with lovers?
Cuz I’ve never been interested in either.
Of course, sarcasm can be playful, but you gotta be able to “read the room,” and, to be frank, most people don’t know how to do that. Especially in a digital room. [Fun Fact: Sarcasm doesn’t travel so well on the information superhighway.] Someone will invariably misinterpret something, and then feelings get hurt yadda, yadda, yadda. SWIPE LEFTWeirdly, more than one woman thanked me for not sending her a dick pic. This is disturbing on so many levels.
This online dating ecosystem is a numbers game. Be it spending time on an app, on disappearing conversations, or (gasp) an actual date, and I didn’t want to give my time to just anybody. I was picky.
And it’s not about the sex …well, not all of it. And it’s not about finding some “partner”; that was never part of my agenda. For me, short to long-term dating has always been about finding something simple — someone who doesn’t suck to spend time with. A person who challenged you, made you think, made you laugh, made you want to be a better person, all of it.
At the end of the day, please do whatever you want, however you want to do it, and with whomever you want to do it with. As long as the two (or more) parties are of age, agree, and are into it, who am I to judge?
Whatever your delicacy may be, it’s still a limited menu (at least legally speaking.) I’ma go ahead and guess that no matter where you land on whatever spectrum you’re on … you’re gonna like men, women, or both … or none (that’d be asexual, in case you’re keeping score.)
The last go-around on a dating app? Well, that’s a story for another time.
The Online Dating Chronicles
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The Online Dating Chronicles
Episode 2: Nancypopoff.us
The Online Dating Chronicles
Episode 3: Traci, with an ipopoff.us
The Online Dating Chronicles
Episode 4: Mollypopoff.us