“We All Do…” & “Everyone Does That”
These two reductive and insulting phrases, and their ancillaries, need to be abolished.
These two reductive and insulting phrases, and their ancillaries, need to be abolished.
We’ve all said these at one time — “We all do…” and “Everyone does that.”
We should think twice before defaulting to those statements.
Nine times out of ten, those phrases are not meant maliciously. And there is a legitimate argument to make for normalization. However, I’ve often experienced these comments being made in relation to something that it wasn’t necessarily meant for.
I’ve repeatedly caught my therapist saying that to which I’d reply: “I am not particularly interested in ‘everyone else’.”
I forget what we were discussing the other day, but again I caught her and expressed my frustration with the “we” and “everyone” statements. I finally saw the light bulb go off. I must’ve finally framed it where it made sense.
Here’s the problem:
In almost all cases when you use either of those phrases, you’re likely doing one (or both) of these things:
You’re limiting, potentially removing, that individuals agency around the situation/feeling or “thing.”
Removing the opportunity to connect with another individual.
AGENCY
The seven senses of humans are:
Sight
Smell
Touch
Hearing
Taste
Balance
Movement
We all experience those senses differently.
If I say: “I saw Beaches the other night, what a sad movie” in conversation with someone and they reply: “Everyone thinks that.” Now, by all accounts that movie is tragic BUT however true it may be, that reply has discounted my experience.
Let’s take it one step further.
If I say: “I don’t crowds, they make me anxious” to someone and they reply: “No one likes crowds, everyone gets nervous.” Again, perhaps true but what’s discounted is the degree to which I may not like crowds and the degree to which they make me anxious.
If you’re a close friend and aware of this, that may be said in frustration. If I don’t know you, that may be said to soothe. In both cases, you’ve discounted the impact on me.
CONNECTION
We are currently living in a time when a connection with anyone is growing more and more challenging. Our heads are consistently tilted at a 45-degree angle with our eyes smashed into our phones. It doesn’t help that our country is so divisive at the moment. All of this makes deep and honest connections few and far between.
Uttering “We all do…” or “Everyone does that” do nothing to help anyone form a bond or connection of any kind.
Using the same two examples above of Beaches and crowds:
If I say: “I saw Beaches the other night, what a sad movie” in conversation with someone and they reply: “I know, right? Remember that scene where (insert description here)?” Instead of tossing off my comment what you’ve now done is not only initiated a connection with someone but also proved you were actively engaged…improving the chances of bonding.
OR:
If I say: “I don’t crowds, they make me anxious” to someone and they reply: “Oh man, that must suck for you. I don’t like them either.” Again, you’ve not tossed away my comment and proved you’re listening…engaged…connected.
CONCLUSION
In either case, by taking a beat to think and making a little extra effort, you can help foster the individual (in both people) and you haven’t discounted the impact on me or the experience.
While I am not arguing against any type of normalization. I do think one of the only ways to help people understand things like mental health issues is by explaining the experiential part of something like depression, that’s helpful.
If you’ve lived long enough and experienced life in any way, you’ve probably been depressed at one time. Which is to say, perhaps you’ve had your heart broken or experienced a death. That’s a type of situational depression and that may even require clinical intervention.
Does that mean you’re “clinically depressed?” Well, yes…maybe for a short time…and you may even need medicine to get you out of it. The other type of “clinically depressed” is more complicated and rooted in the psyche (among other things)…it requires more examination.
Stay with me now.
They’re both the same…but different.
But, as someone who does suffer from clinical depression and has since…well, for a long time now. MY experience with depression is different than anyone else’s. Yes, there is some similarity (it’s why there’s a clinical diagnosis) BUT the experience that everyone has is different.
The argument for normalization here is that it’s true, everyone does get depressed (I assure you, you’re one degree away from someone who has some form of experience with clinical depression)…so when someone says they’re depressed, a comment like: “We all get that way” may be empathetic but it’s going to be more impactful by not negating that person’s agency. And you can use it to connect.
If someone says they’re depressed, you can foster that person's agency and connect with a comment like: “We all get that way. It sucks. What happens for you?”
Of course, I admit that this article may be reductive and oversimplified, but consider that I’m not a psychologist or a trained mental health professional.
If I’m being honest I just really hate those comments and their derivatives. I feel they’re shitty things to say to someone.
My feeling about whatever or experience with whatever is going to be different than yours. That’s not a good thing… it’s not a bad thing…it is — we don’t experience life or our senses in the same way.
When someone says “We all do…” or “Everyone does that” they’re tossing aside and discounting the feeling or experience of the individual.
Of course, those things are seldom said out of malice or deliberately meant to be that dismissive…but they are — of both the person and their experience.
And who wants to be that kind of asshole?